i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
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