Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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