I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
Randomize
