Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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