I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
