can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
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