Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Randomize