you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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