i love accidental penises.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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