o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
This may sound mean but have u ever just sat in class and look at some of the the people and think how disappointed their parents must be
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
Randomize
