I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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