I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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