and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
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