I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Randomize
