im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
