I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
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