I accidentally had phone sex last night
I'm sorry, but there's just something about mesh over nipples that irks me.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
