I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
I didn't know that people actually queef. Is this a real thing?
I believe so, yes.
Would you be offended if I asked if it has happened to you?
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
The air taste purple.
Randomize
