Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Randomize