phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
