I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Randomize
