i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Randomize
