Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Randomize
