i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize