I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Randomize
