I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
there is puke in my bra ... again
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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