Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize