cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
