I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
