If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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