I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
Randomize
