i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
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