I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
Randomize
