After last night, I could never be a politician.
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize
