we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
