dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
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