So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
I want you more than these girls want KFC
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
