I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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