i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
Randomize
