If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize
