Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
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