So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Help. Why am I so naked?
Randomize
