I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
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