I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
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