pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Randomize
