someone threw a dead crab at me
Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
