I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
