BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
