I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
