Doing final review now. Then epic shit. Then going to take it. Should start it be 1030. Done by 2. Drunk by 3. Hammered by 4. Blacked out by 5. Streaking by 6. Jail sometime after that
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
