Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
she had no gag reflex. and is an abercrombie model. i love college.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Randomize
