I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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