My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Hello my rib-scented angel!
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
