You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
