I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Randomize
