hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
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