we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Randomize
