He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Randomize
