Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Randomize
