Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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